I have a lot of fun plans this summer. I’m very excited but this weekend was a reminder that post fun plans can lead to depression. Which is odd. You’d think that having a break and a good time would help everything feel better but it doesn’t really. I still need to take Idrasil regardless of what my activities are all about. 

Adding fitness to my routine is my biggest challenge right now. It would really help me feel better. I know I’ve said it so many times already but I’m saying it again. Healthy diet and exercise won’t cure depression but it certainly helps keep the volume down. 

So I’m currently trying to organize my plans and figure out what kind of money I’ll be spending. If I’m going to forego anything I need to decide now what those things will be for the sake of planning, but I’m pretty sure I can handle all of it. It’s a little stressful but I guess I’ll manage.

Sometimes being depressed and knowing exactly why is a good thing, but of course I still feel depressed regardless. It’s funny how a lot of people don’t understand how depression works. It’s like they think that something makes me sad, and then I feel really really bad about it, but then when someone talks to me and explains the situation logically, then perhaps I’ll feel better.

It doesn’t work like that at all. That is cheering up someone who is sad. Depression isn’t always about feeling sad. Sadness is like a side effect. Basically it’s like intense apathy. Whether I have the power to change my life or situation doesn’t matter because I don’t care. And chronic apathy is frustrating as all getup. And that makes me cry and feel sad. And then stress triggers anxiety, which is a whole other ball game. 

So when people see that I’m really… well, blase. They might be like, “What’s wrong? How can I help? Do you want to talk? Things aren’t so bad.” It’s immensely frustrating. I can’t even put into words what is bothering me so instead of saying it’s just depression eating away at my living carcass, which is alarming, I tend to just make up something stupid so they’ll leave me alone.And then of course I feel worse than ever. 

Ladies and gentlemen this is what happens when you don’t take your medicine for a few days. 

Also I REALLY need to start a workout regimen. Obviously stress is totally settling in and poisoning me from the inside out. Have to make that a priority.

I feel like it is important to note that Idrasil should probably be taken regularly for depression. It’s not like regular anti-depressants where you take it for a month and you build up some kind of immunity. You definitely take it as needed and it works for that time. However I feel that if I go a few days without taking it (usually because I forget), I’ll be more likely to get upset over some stress that comes along and then I’m racing to take a couple. One a day sort of insures that if something comes along I’ll likely handle it.

Yesterday my engine light came on in my car. I’m pretty on edge about it. I can’t get my car in til Friday and it’s Sunday now. Even though it’s probably not a great idea, I think I’m just going to drive my car this week. My car was serviced a lot in March and nothing was wrong with it then so I’m assuming (and hoping and praying and wishing on a star) that it is something benign and cheap to fix. Anyway, if it’s an expensive repair I may have to take the bus again. I hate the bus. So. Much.

Thank you. :3

Yes you are probably right. Roseacia runs in the fam.

Hi! Yes thank you! Definitely going to look for that episode online. I completely agree. When I’m really paying attention to diet and juicing a ton, my skin gets much better. There’s no denying these connections.

Okay my skin has broken out really badly and I’m not totally sure why. All I know is that I spent a weekend in the sun and now my skin is broken out worse than it ever has before. I’m not sure what to use on my skin right now to help it get better but it might mean going back to Sprouts and finding something gentler than Neutrogena. Usually this one acne cleanser by Neutrogena clears up my really bad breakouts but this time it just seems to be making things worse. It’s been really drying. I’m broken out all over my chin and around my mouth and under my nose. I’m absolutely heartbroken because not only is it incredibly ugly to have acne anywhere but my breakout spot now makes it look like I have a terrible case of herpes! It’s disgusting! My face literally hurts all day long and it’s been 5 days now. Every time I talk or make a facial expression it feels like my skin is ripping. Logically I should not touch my face at all but it is also incredibly unseemly to have puss filled white heads all over one’s face so from time to time I’ll take a facial tissue and take care of some of them, so then it feels like there are tiny open wounds all over my face. 

I was very patient at first having great faith in my tried and true over the counter but I think it would be best to buy some more natural products that will be cheaper than going to the dermatologist anyway. I have been to the dermatologist more than any non-skin cancer patient I know. It’s defeating. They give you anti-biotics, strong medical washes and creams and gels, and all sorts of chemical shit. I want my acne gone but I get the feeling that the skin on my face needs gentle help. Due to my overall general wish to switch over to more natural diet and hygiene products, I think it’s time I just went for it. It’s becoming painfully clear why chemical mixes aren’t meant to be rubbed into our skin or ingested.

The skin care products I was initially using were slow to work but they were most certainly working. I imagine that I may have to spend some money determining which products will work best but I know that the quick fixes are just making things worse. 

Now I take Idrasil for depression and acne is a completely different problem for me. I have had very bad acne that I cover with make-up since middle school and the only time it has let up is after taking accutane, a very strong acne medication. I’ve taken it twice and it works for about 1 to 2 years after you finish taking it every day for 4 to 6 months, and then all symptoms come back. In my case when my acne came back I started getting large cysts in addition. I didn’t get teased in school for it luckily because I suppose kids just had the decency not to but I felt horrible about what I looked like. I still fucking do. Again it’s frustrating as all getup. Your face is the first thing people see when they meet you and it’s natural to notice every blemish right away. People can’t help it. I’ve even had little kids at work who don’t know any better ask what happened to my face. 

Additionally I do not wish to see a dermatologist because I am suspicious that all of the strong skin medications I took growing up could have resulted in my depression. A lot of those meds had depression listed as a side effect and it’s becoming known that side effects can happen years down the line even after discontinued use because everything gets all stored in your colon and whatnot. 

Anyway that’s what’s happening now. Once again taking the correct preventative measures would be stupendous. Drinking water, exercise, healthy diet (especially one free of meat and dairy), would help tremendously with my situation. I guess if I want perfect skin there is a formula for one but it seems unattainable at times. 

I skipped a few days, like four days in a row of Idrasil. This was only because I forgot to take four days consecutively. Nothing bad happened but I was feeling pretty lame. Just kind of hopeless and non-contributing to society in general. BUT I am taking it again and I’m feeling better.

I also made a great proclamation of health recently (yesterday) and I’ve been eating better and exercising. The only downside is that I am generally such a lazy, unhealthy slob that an hour of exercise and a better diet put me into a weird, instant detox mode. Last night as I went to sleep I had a throbbing migraine (which I took two migraine pills for, but I still had it this morning so I took 1 Idrasil and now it is completely gone), and I had chills and an upset stomach. At first I was like, “WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?! AHHH!” But it’s really no surprise. I eat fast food every day. Every. Single. Day. There is no reason why my body shouldn’t be withered on the floor at this point. 

Luckily I suppose it just takes one day to start and the rest is hard work and discipline. And I guess since I stated this in this blog errybody is going to be all, “So how’s that proclamation of health coming along eh?” So I suppose I owe it to my dignity (oh yeah, and long term health) to keep this up yeah?

Last week wasn’t as productive as the one before. I think that if I’m consistently exercising every day I seem to stay on track and I’m certainly a lot happier. My goal is to stay consistent with exercise this week. I’m celebrating (ish) St. Patrick’s day this evening. I think it would be best if I hang out a bit and then go home at a reasonable time so my week doesn’t start all hung over. I hate when that happens.

A word on edibles, etc. I haven’t been eating edibles as often and I’ve been smoking a lot less too. Generally I’ll save that for the weekend when I don’t necessarily have to be anywhere or do anything. Yesterday I overestimated my tolerance powers. My tolerance to edibles was once quite strong and now it is much less. After I got up bright and early to get the side view mirror replaced on my car, I got home and took a big ‘ol bite of an edible and I slept for a good six hours. Wow. In the end I’m glad that this happened because ever since daylight savings time changed up my schedule by one itty bitty hour I can’t seem to get enough done during the day and enough sleep at night. I know it’s all in my head but boy did I need that extra sleep. So I guess it was a good mistake. 

Anyway, I need to be more careful with edibles if I’m not going to be using them as often.

Okay so I am officially 25 years old and even better, I have my car back! So far the week is going great. I have so much more energy at work and at home since I’m not trudging everywhere. 

Apparently I have plantar fasciitis. My right heel kills basically all day but I think this will improve as I have a car now and perhaps losing weight will help. 

I am a bit rusty in the fitness department as I found out today at the gym. But it always gets easier if I keep at it. 

I still take Idrasil every day and once in a while I will get a bit sad and I can identify the sadness as depression because there is no cause of the sadness, but I always seem to pull through. I have been very consistent at work and I am becoming increasingly proactive when it comes to basically getting shit done. My feet still hurt at work though and I really want to make sure I get serious about getting in shape to help ease the burden on them. 

So… yeah. I guess I’ll report back next week and see if Emmi with a car continues to be productive and badass.

Everything is going a-ok. I am taking one Idrasil tablet a day and having very few stressful moments. I am generally productive at work and heck I did one or two chores at home too. I am still looking forward to having a car within the next month. My tax refund will help me with that and some other car repairs I’ve been meaning to get done. Then I will have a social life! I am excite! I am expecting from this coming work week all the way through summer to be busier than usual. We have a lot of work to do just taking stuff in, organizing it, and trying to find places to put it. We have a tiny little store and the daily challenge has become, “Look at all this shit. Let’s organize it so people don’t feel like they’re shopping in a messy room that they would die in if there were an earthquake.” 

Competition season is also beginning. You know that show Dance Moms? Where the crazy moms just fight over ridiculously trivial matters? Well real life dance moms (not all of them… just a select handful) are honestly not too far off from what is seen on that show. Competition season creates the stressful environment that allows the inner crazy dance mom to come out of some women and create a demon like you would never believe existed. 

I think that as I continue to try working out before work it will help me calm down even more and when those dance mom monsters do decide to rear their ugly heads then I will at least be in a stress free state of mind when customer abuse starts. 

Honestly my job isn’t that bad. Retail is full of bitchy customers no matter where you work of course but I see mostly neutral to nice people all day who may be a bit demanding but I really enjoy helping people with dance wear. The annoying ones just stick out… a lot.